Steam

I let out a steam from my eyes. Yes, my other word for cry. Tonight, I planned to clean my phone and to back up some files into my hard drive. Of course, I wandered far from what I planned to do and I opened my dreaded folder of memories with Albert.

I cried a little. Wiped my tears and moved on. Again. Moving on is such a long process. I can’t just say “I moved on” and it’ll be done. Every day I have to fight all sorts of feeling and make a conscious effort to keep moving forward. It’ll be 3 months soon and I cannot wait til our memories won’t affect me in a negative way anymore.

I am really grateful for all our memories but I feel more pain than happiness whenever I see them now. I just have to believe that everything that is happening right now is for the greater good. I’ll have my time too. I’ll patiently wait for it.

Bumble

Today I signed up on Bumble. It is a dating app. I am actually not sure if this is right for me. I will wait til it is officially 3 months after the break up that I’ll start using this app. To be honest, I am so much better now. I do think of Albert from time to time but I don’t hurt that much anymore. He is like a distant memory. Before, it was painful to be in SF and not see him or hear from him. I spent 3 days in SF already and I feel fine. I actually feel relaxed and like my old self. There are some things that are changing in my life. They are changing for the better.

So, this dating app, I’ll figure it out and will give it a go. I promised myself that I will actively look for things and people that will make me happy. 2020 is the year of pursuing worthy challenges and at the same time letting go of things that aren’t working out. I will always give it my best and I will always choose love.

I may not know how close I am to my dream and prayers so I need to be proactive. Lord is alway teaching me new things everyday.

Bumble, you just wait. I’ll see where you’ll bring me and I am excited to explore this side of me. Lord, always guide me. I will keep improving myself and I will offer everything that I do to you. Everyday is a start of something new.

SJO

Today is my second day here in San Jose, Costa Rica. This city is so beautiful. Too bad I am here for work. I would love to come back here to see the Volcano and the Beaches around the area. Due to COVID, most of those attractions are closed.

I hope to be back here with friends and family. I am proud of myself right now. I am feeling confident and I don’t feel the need to be validated. I am 26 years old. I am still young and all the best thing in my life are yet to come.

This is amazing. Thank you God.

Fear

I’m here at Costa Rica right now. The room is really nice and big. I took a shower and now I’m in bed listening to No Greater Love.

I am scared right now. The future seems to be uncertain. I am still in the process of completely healing my heart and yet another threat is along the way. My Lord is my strength. I will pray to Him because I trust Him. I may not know where I will be in the next couple of months but this is Faith. It requires believing before seeing. 2020 is a great year. I may not know it yet but I believe it is.

Lord, please hear my prayers. Please comfort me in your arms. Heal my broken heart and calm my anxious mind. Lord thank you for the love. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for making me strong. All these are just trials that I will win. I will not give up My Lord. You are coming soon to save me. Lord, I trust you so much. Ikaw na pong bahala. Salamat Lord. I love you so much.

Venting Post

I just need to put this out here. I don’t mean to be selfish and narrow minded but amidst all these issues I can’t help but ask and wonder why he isn’t asking how I am. I get it, he broke up with me but is it just easy to throw away the love he have for me? I want to ask him so bad but I already did my part. I don’t want to lose my respect for myself by clinging onto him.

Now that I typed that in here, it seemed a stupid idea if he indeed ask how I am. First of all he ended things with us. That alone is more than enough reason. He does not care for me at all. He does not love me anymore..even just as a friend. It sucks. We started out as good friends. At lead on my part, I treated him as a good friend and losing another friend really sucks. I swore before, and I think I told him that, that I will never lose anymore friends. Not anymore. And fast forward to 2020, here I am. Just lost a boyfriend and a friend.

It really sucks how a person can hold so much space in your life, heart. The moment they leave, there’s just this void that you want to fill… even with useless, trivial things and people.

Okay, I am starting a 2 year promise today. Starting today, I will focus all my energy to God, myself and my family. I will start this covenant with God. Please be patient with me God. I will do my best to change who I am today into the person that you are planning me to be. It is exciting. I am stoked to see where you are leading me my Lord. I am still praying for that partner. For the love of my life. For that person that will make me believe more to you. The person who will bring me closer than ever to you. My Lord, ikaw na bahala. I leave everything in your hands. You got me bro. I love you Lord.

 

Well. That was a good rant post!!! It made me feel lighter! I like it.

Future love of my life, you just wait. I am excited to meet you but I am not ready yet. In God’s perfect time, we will rejoice our love with God.

Stuck in a dream

Last night, I slept pretty late. My housemate and I recorded our podcast. By the way, if you’re Filipino.. feel free to listen to our podcast at soundcloud!! Share Us Anything!!! I’ll post the link at the bottom.

 

So I had this dream. It was so vivid. Unlike most dreams I have, this one I can remember clearly. It was more like a memory. So Albert and I broke up a couple of months ago. Last night, I dreamed about him, about us. Surprisingly, the location of the dream was very specific. We were in Seattle. Fun fact: our very first trip as a couple was to Seattle to watch the Lion King Musical. So back to my dream… we were in Seattle and we were on the way to Space Needle. Weirdly enough, we had to take a boat to the Space Needle. I directed him to climb up the stairs then elevator but then few people were going a different way and that’s when we found out we were to take a boat that looks like a jeepney to Space Needle. We got into the elevator and while inside, he can’t stop kissing me on my forehead. I will be honest, I still miss him and how he kiss me. He was my first kiss after all. So yep, he can’t stop doing that while in the elevator and while other people were in it with us. It was so sweet. For a moment, I think I was conscious during this dream and I chose to just stay there for a little bit more. Then when we reached the docking area, I asked him if he wants to sit beside me. Surprisingly, he said no. He does not want to sit with me. Even more surprising was that I was not bothered by it. So we sat apart. I was holding something on my lap but I can’t remember what is it. It kept me busy and distracted during the boat ride to space needle. When we got to the Space Needle, we stood there looking at the city view but no lights were on. So for a while we were just looking at dark skyline. Then all of a sudden the buildings started to light up. It was so beautiful. Albert was sitting behind me and I was in front of him. He was hugging me and I enjoyed his warmth. I miss him. I woke up from that dream and I prayed right away for healing. I hope this is healing. I am slowly making peace with the past. I don’t cry as much and I am pouring all the love that I have to this idea of the love of my life. I know it will take more than this to completely heal but I am positive that God is paving the way for me.

Albert, whatever you are doing and wherever you are, I pray for your happiness. I mean it. You are my first love and it will never change. You taught me a valuable lesson about love. I may not have the chance to apply that same lesson to you, but I will do my best to keep the love I have for my future and hopefully last relationship. Albert, you were a blessing to me. I apologize for every pain I caused you but I am more thankful that you came into my life… you came at the perfect time. The memories we shared will always be with me.. I love you Albert and I sincerely pray for your happiness. Thank you.

 

My Love, I am still in the process of letting Albert go. Please be patient with me. I am rebuilding myself to be the right person for myself and for you. We both know nothing about each other right now but I promise you, you will amazed by how God created me, by how God shaped me to be the right person for you. My Love, salamat. You are giving me so much hope. You are giving me the strength to keep moving forward. I sometimes feel so down and I sometimes feel like giving up on life. Pero what good will it bring me if I give up? The idea of you is pushing me to thrive during this hard times. Kahit hindi pa kita nakikilala, I know na mamahalin kita ng sobra sobra. I have trust that you will do the same because we both prayed for each other. God knows everything that happened in our lives and that will be the very reason why he will give us to each other. My Love, I love you. I can’t wait to finally see you, talk to you and to know everything about you. Your past, present and future will all matter to me because I want to be part of everything that you are. I want you to know Love that it took us a while to be together but the wait is truly worth it. God is taking His time to writing down the best love story that we will both hear and witness. I love talking to you kahit ganito lang. Before Albert, I thought I was doing fine. I was happy on my own. I had a set plan for myself. After Albert, I felt really lonely and devastated. I thought hindi siya mawawala sa akin and I became selfish for thinking that the world should stop because I was hurting. Love, what I didn’t know was I needed Albert to learn to be a better partner and lover. We both owe him a lot Love. Kaya please don’t be mad at me if I sometimes will tell stories that includes him. God used him to change me. He used him to make the right person for you. Love, I promise to be open to you about every single thing. Maliit man yun or malaki I promise to tell you everything. I will know you better than anyone in your inner circle. I also can’t wait to meet your parents!!!! I can’t to bond with your siblings if you have them. Kinikilig ako just by thinking that one day, we will have our own family. Love, mahal na mahal kita kahit hindi pa tayo nagkakakilala. Once I meet you and I feel na ikaw na yung padala ni God… I will sing you “I Will” by the Beatles. I will dedicate that song for you kasi you are the love na pinakahihintay ko. I pray to God that everything that is happening right now is leading me straight to you. Slowly but surely, magkikita na rin tayo. I love you everyday Love… I love you very much. Be safe and I’ll see you very soon.

Social Distancing

I am here in Houston. I am afraid, scared. Life is full of uncertainty and I am in this part of my life wherein I can’t even plan for next week. Each day passes by so quickly and a lot of things are happening all at the same time. From one issue to another, here’s one more to add on to the list. 2020 started out like a bomb!! It was all over the place. I had my personal life affected, my career and now my family.

Last night the bay area implemented shelter in place to resolve the issue with COVID-19. It was just last week that I was planning to spend my 1 week off there. Now I am uncertain if I should still go. My career.. this new job is on the line too. As we all know, the airline industry is one of the most affected business with this pandemic. I am still under probation and I am scared to death to lose this job. What a time to be alive!! All my friends are having the same issue with their jobs. I can only hope that they are coping well with these events.

The theme of my 2020 is letting go. These first 3 months are hitting all aspects of my life. My personal, love, career, social and spiritual life are all in shambles. I am not losing hope though. I am pretty good at catching up and putting my life back in order. I just need to let God do His work first. I have to be honest, I am pretty good at talking to God. I talk to Him when I am overwhelmed, happy, sad, mad, irritated, excited, anxious. I am pretty proud of that but this 2020 taught me how to listen to Him. He may not be able to talk to me directly but he does make sure that I get His message through other people, through life events, through situations I have no control over. He makes sure that everything is in place according to His plan. He makes sure that everyone knows He is God. All my life, I’ve always been the one talking to God. This time I will let God do the talking. I will do my very best but at the same time I will sit still. I will heed God’s word very carefully and I will let go of what I can’t control. I will let go of what hurts me and I will let go of everything and everyone that God wants me to let go. Third month into this new year and it feels like eternity of lessons I learned. I am thankful despite all of these. I am thankful because I know God is working. 2020 is a busy year for Him too. A lot of actions, prayers, and  mercy to give. I thank you Lord for another day here on earth. I still have the chance to change and be your instrument to the world. Whatever your will is… it shall be done.

March 13, 2020

I feel great! I remember not long ago, I told Albert that I want to experience living in a different state. I also told my mom about this. I just didn’t know how and why I have to live there but I know I want to experience it.

Looking back, every single thing that I thought of accomplishing are happening now. I am now a flight attendant. I live in Houston now and I experienced heartbreak. Yes, I also wished the heartbreak. A couple of years ago, I thought something is wrong with me. I thought I was now capable of feeling anything even love. I don’t get mad easily and I don’t get attracted easily too. I remember that one night in my room, beside that wall at my bed, I prayed to experience love. I prayed to God that even if it hurts, it’ll be okay. At least I know I am capable of feeling. It is much better than not feeling anything at all. I clearly remember that night and funny cause now, I completely understand that God is always, always, always listening to every single thing I am praying for. He allowed this to happen for a greater purpose. I am excited. God is very promising. I may be hurting right now but just like these prayers I had before, I learned how to properly pray to God. Today will be like these prayers I had. I will go back to this very day and say, God is always listening. Soon, I will be the person that God has carefully and mindfully planned.

God,  I am praying for Love. I guess I would still have the same prayer. I’ll be ready for the pain that it may bring but I also pray Lord, that the next man will be the man that I can fight this battle with, A man who will not leave me and that I will not give up on. Lord, I pray for the man that you are preparing for me. I know he is coming soon. I am not in a rush. I am letting go and I’ll let you do your work on both of us. Lord, thank you for all the happiness and pain love has brought me. I learned so much and still learning. You are amazing Lord. You truly know what is best for each and one of us. Lord, I pray that Albert understands your plan too. Have someone bring him closer to you Lord. I truly loved Albert and I still do but this time I am letting him go.. to you. You know best how to handle him. I pray for his happiness and growth. He deserves to be happy Lord. Albert is a good guy.

Lord, salamat talaga. I can’t wait for your plans. I am looking forward and I will keep praying. You have me Lord. I have you. Everything will be alright. I love you Lord.