A Visitor in my Dream

Last night I had a hard time going back to sleep. I woke up at 2AM and dropped my dad off at work. Went back to bed by 3AM. After couple of minutes struggling to go back to sleep, I slept but I was visited by someone in the past in my dream.

In my dream was just pictures of him and a girl. They were a couple and it was evident that both of them were very happy to be together. I know I was asleep but I also know how real my feelings were while looking at those photos. It felt like it was in the real world. I cannot understand how much he can still affect me even in my dream. I miss him but I know in my heart that he isn’t or that he isn’t yet the man God wants for me.

I can live with this. There’s no getting used to the pain but I know that when I am weak, God is stronger. I pray to get over this and be stronger emotionally, spiritually and mentally. God is the only one who can walk me through this valley.

Tonight, before I sleep, I will pray to God. I will pray for wisdom, happiness, peace and sweet dreams. I will see Joshua back in my dreams. Everything will be alright soon.

Hope

I am excited. I am excited for him.

Coming to my senses and I’ve finally decided to seriously pray for this man. I believe he will come out of this stronger. I may not know him well but I know one thing, that he is a good man.

My Lord, I pray that you will get through him. If it is your plan for me to be with him, then I trust you. I still love him and I miss him a lot Lord. Pero I trust in you that you will put everything in its proper place. That includes us. My Lord, make me stronger.

Everyone and everything for me already has my name on it. I am expecting my Lord. I prayed for him and I am leaving the rest to you My Lord.

Thank you.

What is Real?

I want to believe the good. I really do. I know I said that I’ve become content with not knowing but after that short conversation, I can’t help but worry about you.

Are you okay? What do you feel? Do you need me?

I’ve decided to take my time and really make sure that if I get into another relationship, it’ll be for real.. this time. I don’t feel it yet and I’m sorry for not giving you the answer that you want. If you could only find it in your heart to ask for help cause I am willing to help you out. Not just in a way that you see fit.

Nothing has changed. I will pray for you for as long as you need me to. You are a good person and I refuse to believe the people that tell me otherwise.

You can come out of this stronger. I believe in you. You can do this.

Be Still

Ayun naman. I just need to release this somewhere. I wanted to tell my friends so bad but I know it is not the best idea and I don’t really want anyone else dipping their feet into this issue.

Albert sent me an email 2 days ago. Weird and surprising. I wasn’t expecting anything from him at all but here he is, telling me that he still loves me. So, as a decent and respectful person that I am, I answered his email. He answered back and he told me that he wants to start over again.

Here my friend is the most surprising part, I said that I am not ready to commit. Ang funny no? If he sent me this email couple of months back, I will immediately say, YES!!! Take me back hahahaha but now, I don’t feel the need to be in a relationship to be happy. I am content. I am at peace.

He never replied. I guess he isn’t finished figuring out himself. If he wants to try to win me back, he has to work better than this. I am glad the he reached out. I wasn’t looking for closure but this feels like it.

I am really proud of myself. I’ve grown a lot and this is all because of God. He was faithfully with me through this valley. I really don’t care if I’m still in the valley or if I’m done with this phase because I can rest assure that I am not alone. I can relax and know that God is taking care of things and people for me. Thank you My Lord. You are the best.

Be still Micah. The right person will come. He will come and you will know when that happens. I love you Micah.

Singles Day 11|11

Never have I known that there is a “Singles Day”. Look at that. I am single and today is considered my day! Or the day of everyone who is happily single!

It’s been awhile since I last wrote here. Hmm, lately I’ve been preoccupied with school, work, travels and the little things.

Just a quick update Micah. You got furloughed on October 1. Remember the last night you slept at your apartment in Texas? That was a long and hard night. You slept on the floor and actually, you can’t sleep at all. Your mind was filled with all the memories of the past and the uncertainty of the future. That was a month ago and look at you now, you are vibrating with good energy! That’s my girl! Ohh I also need to remind you of how dramatic you were on your flight back to SF. I can’t believe I did that. I legit cried during takeoff thinking that I will never see Texas again. I didn’t even like Texas and there I was crying my heart out like a child.

Another thing, you started applying for several jobs. You applied in Amazon, Delta and Bank of America. Guess what, you got the job as a relationship banker with Bank of America! I am so happy for you!! You weren’t even expecting that, right? I am legit excited to start my training. Well, training is in 5 days and I am hoping my classmates will be nice to each other. Working in a bank will truly broaden my knowledge and who knows, this might be an opportunity for me to know the underlying secrets of getting loan for first time home buyer. Make the most of this Micah. This is truly an opportunity for you.

Going to material aspect of your simplistic life, you finally bought a laptop replacement for your 5 year old MacBook Air!!!!! Yesss. The things is, you bough the MacBook Pro 16″ with Intel Core Processor and yesterday Apple released their new model for M1 chip Processor. Do you think it is wroth upgrading to that or just stick with your current Pro? I plan to ask an apple specialist about this. I might be able to score the newest model with no additional fee?

Micah! You’re also in school right now! You are currently taking up Computer Technical Support and so far so good. You’ve been a very good student. You will finish this course and hopefully you can enroll in more classes such as foreign language and ASL. The future looks so bright right now. It isn’t as easy as you thought it would be but you’re doing great by taking the first step. I am truly proud of you.

You’ve been to National Parks lately! Amazing how you’ve worked for Alaska for almost 3 years and you never thought of visiting national parks with Albert. I believe you only had one which is the Volcano Park in Big Island. Well, this year, you’ve been to Zion National Park, Grand Tetons National Park and Yellowstone National Park! Thanks to Kevin and Rico for bringing you there! You had so much fun and you promised yourself that you will try to visit all parks this year and next year. Yeah, because you have the National Park Pass valid for 1 whole year!!! You better not have any excuses! Oh but COVID so maybe I do have an excuse hahaha

You’ve been reading a lot lately Micah. Mostly spiritual books and self help. I am glad that your relationship with God is getting stronger everyday. There are days that you feel down but God was always with you through it all. I liked the bible verse from the book of Joshua. Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9. See, you are never alone. You are so blessed to have everything and everyone in your life right now. It isn’t perfect but it is what you truly need for the purpose God has placed in your life. You are great Micah.

Lastly, you are at peace. Most of the time hahahaha but you are getting to where you’re supposed to be. 2020 started out crazy but every storm that came your way, you were a champion. You learned so much this year and this year is the catalyst of your future self emerging to its more mature form. Every day is a battle and I am proud of you for not giving up. You are a completely new person now and there’s not enough reason for you now to give up. God is on your side and you are being guided by the best angels in His kingdom. I love you Micah.

You are currently reading, Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty. So far so good. Well, you’ve only read the introduction but that already enough to get you hooked! Oh wait I remember that you are into incense now!! You officially have the incense starter kit and you are loving it!!!!

One more thing. You have been working out every day. Thanks to FitOn app, you are looking so much better physically now. Tight core, muscles starting to build up on your legs and arms, and you are working out your mind too through meditation. Keep it up girl. Everything is just going forward and up!!!!!! And yes, you ordered a protein shake from The Protein Works to fully get into habit of working out every single day. See, everything is falling in its place.

You currently have a research paper to finish but you chose to write for your future self. Wow. You are a star. You do know your priorities well. Don’t worry you’ll get that work done soon. Just keep in mind that you are blessed and you are always guided by God. You are never alone. There is so much. more in life that is waiting for you to discover. Keep moving forward.

In about 30 mins you will be watching an online service at Lakewood Church in Houston. Isn’t funny how you discovered Lakewood Church just because you lived in Houston? Everything has its purpose and I am glad you found that one.

Thank you Micah for living. You deserved all the best in life. Work hard and smart for it and always give the glory to God.

A.M.D.G.

TLV

I am here in Tel Aviv. My second time. This time, I am much better and more equipped in my faith. I have a beautiful view of the city and the beach. Not planning on going anywhere. I had a minor procedure done to my eye for Stye removal on August 10 and I need time to recover. Seeing the blood though makes me weak every time but I believe that God is testing my faith. I have the power within me to heal myself. I have God’s power within me to help me heal myself.

I am excited. Currently listening to Joyce Meyer. I am always blessed to hear God’s word through her. Thank you my Lord. You are the best. Please continue to guide me. I trust you and I will depend on you for everything. Thank you.

About Time

I am writing to let you know that I am still thinking about you. So much that on days that I am perfectly fine, just a slight thought of you can bring a tear or two in my eye. I am doing my best to be ok, to be at peace with what happened. Most of the time, I am but can I just say that I hope it’ll be “all the time”. My heart keeps beating this irregular heartbeat and I keep trying to calm it down with the kindest words I could find. I just finished reading the Power of Now for the second time. I need to remind myself to focus on the NOW. It was too late for me to change the past and it’ll be a wishful thinking to look ahead in the future. The NOW is all I have and I can’t waste it thinking about things that I can never change. You left me and I had to deal with it. It is my reality. I need to remind myself to be present. I want to forget but also want to remember. I know I will get through this. I just know. The universe has been handing me every single thing I need to have the best mindset to deal with this. I am blessed to have such wonderful mom and supportive friends. I have a work in progress faith that anchors me during the violent waves of life.

Today is 4th July. Independence day. I’ve always wanted to celebrate it American Style. Maybe not this year but I promise to fulfill all my hearts desire. It is time to take care of myself. I need to resolve this issue within me. This is the only way to resolve my relationships outside myself.

If one cannot accept what is, then he/she will not have the ability to fully accept someone else. This is my reality and from here, I will do all the work I need to do to become a better version of myself… every single day.

Micah, you are strong and you will be stronger. Please do not forget how much loved you are. You are enough. Do not identify yourself with your ego. Keep watch of your thoughts and your judgement. You are on your way to the best version of yourself. Do not give up and always ask guidance from your Lord God. I trust you and I believe in you. I am proud of you, always.

Power of Now

I started re-reading this book and I can’t be more happy with that decision.

Micah, as a reminder, if you ever stray away from this moment, please go back to your breathes. It’ll lead you right back to now. You are enjoying the benefits of being in the Now and don’t let anything or anyone disrupt that peace in you. You have a God-essence in you. You are part of this world but you are also a part of a much greater world beyond this physical world you’re living in. You matter and you are complete as of this moment. Time is illusion. You have everything you need.. right here, right now.

Smile Micah. You are blessed.

Online Dating

So a couple of days back, I started to use a dating app. I feel pretty confident about. Right now, I am talking to just 1 guy. Yesterday and day before that, I was talking to this other guy that seemed really nice. He caught my attention right away cause he looks a little like my ex with the shades on. WIthout the shades, this guy is way more good-looking than Albert. Anyways, I decided not to initiate a conversation today and surprise surprise, he didn’t at all send me any messages. I just noticed that I was always initiating the convo and I just want to test it out today if I’ve made my way into his life that he will, this time, talk to me first. It looks like I dug a shallow hole.

Conclusion, it isn’t easy. I am literally throwing myself out there with all these people with different culture, different stories and different expectations. I kinda. miss having that single person you can talk to about anything and just be there. I miss that.

I’ll keep doing it until I get tired. I mean, there shouldn’t be any harm if I am aware of what I’m getting myself into, right?

Butterfly Approach

So today, I am here inf Fort Myers, FL. It was forecasted that there was a 100% chance of rain and so I brought with me 2 minis of white. I drank them both and guess what, it only rained for maybe 10 mins. I was a little tipsy here in my hotel room and I can’t risk going out in an unfamiliar place. I will be back though. For sure.

Since I was not able to go out and play today, I just watched Friends and wrote in my journal. I also ate a lot. I brought more than enough food for a day layover. Yesterday, I told my mom how I was feeling sad and lonely. So she started sending me videos that might help out with my feelings. I just watched this video talking about butterfly approach. The speaker asked, what do you need to do to catch a butterfly? Most of us will say, I’ll go after it. Try to run after it. Then the speaker said, if you want to catch a butterfly, one should stay still and you will have an 80% chance of catching it rather than running after it. He compared it to relationship, romantic relationships. Funny, cause I don’t feel sad because I don’t have a boyfriend. I am sad because Albert left me and with him, I feel like my friends are leaving me behind too. I am not looking to have a relationship right away. I am still hung up on him and I want to take as much time I need to be in the right mind-set for a relationship. But the same is true too. In a relationship, you can’t run after a person you want. You can’t force yourself into someone who doesn’t see you the way you are deserved to be seen. God always find the perfect time to create a new story. If I stay still, trust him and strengthen my faith in him, I shouldn’t be worried about the future. I feel down these past few months but I am fighting it with all my might. I am trying my best to live the best year yet. I am still learning to walk by faith and not by sight. I will stay still and I will let God do the majority of work. All I have is myself and all I can control is myself. My only concern is how to be more like God every day. I know that if I stay still, with my faith in God, He will take care of all my needs. I just pray for strength… more strength. I know that my breakthrough is coming. It is God’s promise to me and I will hold onto it tightly.

I believe there are 2 kinds of love in the mundane world. The Love that is in me and the Love that is in My Love. I will continue to be the best version of myself and will let God’s hands work through our story. My Love, you deserve the best and it is my duty to be the best for myself and for you. God is making a way for His promise to us. While we are not ready for each other, Let’s focus on our faith and the Now. Let’s enjoy all the joys of this present moment and let’s continuously be grateful for God’s grace and mercy. We deserve each other but now for now. My Love, you are loved and I hope I can make you feel it. I hope to see you real soon. I’ll be just here waiting, okay?